


The Little Things, or How to Handle a Relationship

by majorinconvenience



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: AND my first time posting something here, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Hope's Peak Academy (Dangan Ronpa), Cheesy, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance, also the characters are aged up a little, apparently it's my first time writing in English, major fluff, maybe a little OOC here and there btw, not that it matters, so i'm terribly sorry for anyone who decides to read this, this was originally written as a vent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2020-12-10
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:34:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27954710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/majorinconvenience/pseuds/majorinconvenience
Summary: Even though they have been dating for a long time, Ouma still seems to struggle with accepting love as it is. He often feels unworthy of Saihara's affection and doubts his own significance in their relationship, while Saihara fears that he doesn't do enough for his boyfriend to feel loved. Determined to do better, they both try to learn how to show affection through little things.
Relationships: Oma Kokichi/Saihara Shuichi
Comments: 36
Kudos: 140





	1. What started it

**Author's Note:**

> I never really planned to post this but my friend encouraged me so here I am. She said if it helped me feel better maybe it would help someone else too. I... hope so??
> 
> I've never really written anything in English beside college essays and other academic stuff... my language can be quite hard to read as I'm still trying to figure out how to do this properly. I'll be happy to receive any criticism about my writing so I can improve it faster, please feel free to comment on things you find annoying/illogical/stupid/whatever. Well, I'll be happy if someone even finishes this without facepalming through the entire thing... haha
> 
> I concentrated entirely on their relationship development, and there's not that much of an actual plot. Technically, it's just comfort fluff to cope with the harsh reality. There's a high chance you probably won't like it, so think twice before you proceed. Also, for now, let's say I'm just testing the waters and not planning to post the entire thing at once. If things go well, I'll probably publish more chapters in the nearest future.
> 
> Um anyways, if you're still here, welcome! Enjoy some clumsy fluff! <3

They were cuddling in bed, just like they always did after a long boring day of not seeing each other. Shuichi was nuzzling in Kokichi’s purple hair, messy as always, and Kokichi was brushing his nose against the thin fabric of Shuichi's pajama shirt. The night was still young and fresh and still sounded lively from outside the slightly opened bedroom window; tender silver light streaks of the moon, mixed with gold and neon splashes of busy city lights, played on their bed and their skin, running around the room like naughty little children. Everything was warm and comfy when it struck Kokichi.

It was always sudden, it was never explainable. The peacefulness surrounding him disappeared in a flash, eyes couldn't close on their own under any gentle touch or light kiss. He didn’t expect anything remotely new; after all, his head was full of complicated thoughts all the time, and even though Shuichi’s presence held enough power to mute them for a while, they never went away. Kokichi couldn’t just _shoo_ them from his head, or shake them off, or slice his skull open and take them out with his very own hands. He despised taking out the trash anyway.

As the thoughts were getting louder, their cozy bed and gentle feelings were washing away like pretty shells would be washed away by sea waves, like important documents and love letters would be teared apart by the cruel cold wind. Kokichi shivered a little, trying to keep his act together, and lost himself in a process. No sound or movement escaped his now lifeless body. Seemed like a perfect hiding technique. It was always noticeable for Shuichi, though. There were only two reasons why Ouma would stop showing any signs of life: either to prank his cautious boyfriend or because he was, in fact, closing himself up before his emotions could escape outside. Shuichi also knew when to interfere and when to leave him alone at times like this; he was surely a perfect lover, caring and attentive, _incompatible with such a lying coward like Kokichi_.

He let out a deep sigh without noticing. Here we go again, huh? Thinking that Shuichi never deserved such a mess and that such a mess never deserved to be loved by someone like him– by anyone, _ever_. Kokichi closed his eyes, desperately remembering the fun times, sad evenings, and cheesy mornings, and their first dates, and the first time they held hands, and the first confessions that were so hard to process, and kisses, and all other million firsts they shared; his heart painfully itched as if it short-circuited and turned off. How much effort did Saihara put into their everyday interactions? Probably a lot.

It took them several years to start dating, along with doubtful mental breakdowns at nights, Kokichi constantly trying to push Shuichi away for his own good, and doing enormous amounts of mental preparation to finally confess. Kokichi was always hard to read, even for himself. He never knew what he was truly thinking; his mind felt foreign and distant, chaotic and restless, so he couldn't imagine how difficult it was for Shuichi. For both of them, even – for Ouma to open up and for Saihara to make him comfortable enough to do so. He was being peeled off like a fruit, layer by layer, skin by skin, but those never seemed to end. Ouma wondered what awaited both of them in the end, as the last layer would drop down and reveal the core – what would be left of him if there was nothing to lie about anymore? How boring and empty would he get? How soon would Saihara give up on him and move on? He deserved a stable, healthy relationship with someone sincere and not afraid of their own goddamn feelings.

He didn’t need to babysit Kokichi. Right?

A gentle kiss to his fingertips shook him off his misery. Kokichi was too afraid to lift his head and face his boyfriend while bearing so many heavy thoughts, so he stayed still and tried hard to concentrate on the beautiful sensations of little kisses Shuichi showered his fingers with. “Did something happen, Kichi?” asked the Ultimate Detective quietly, and Kokichi wanted to scream in pain and anger from how much tenderness he heard in his already sweet voice. He didn't deserve it. Those words and that voice weren’t meant for him, a cruel liar without anything behind the facade he put up.

He shook his head, burying his face in Shuichi's shirt. The other hummed. “Are you thinking thoughts again?”

Being sincere wasn’t Ouma’s cup of tea, but he tried his best for the only person he ever cared about. So he nodded, immediately embarrassed of admitting it; one part of him wanted to get up and run somewhere far, far away, where no one would know him and his past misdeeds, and the other one was craving to drown in Shuichi’s arms. The battle never stopped.

“It's okay,” Saihara whispered. His warm breath was tickling Kokichi’s ear. It was soft but somehow managed to mute all the noise from busy streets. Truly magical. Or maybe Kokichi got used to concentrating on it instead. “You do remember that I love you and care about you, and that’s not a lie, right?”

Cheesy. It was a perfect opportunity for a lie, though – a lie that could replace the genuine cry for help and ease the pain bottled up in Ouma’s chest – so he took it. “Of course I do. I never even question why you chose someone as perfect and wonderful as me over thousands of healthy and mentally stable people.”

He heard a _chuckle_ , and his heart went crazy. It got hot in a mere second, and it burned him from inside like a wildfire, but it was such a pleasant feeling compared to the cold emptiness from earlier that he couldn’t help but squeeze out somewhat of a thankful smile. Hidden, of course, in the folds of Shuichi’s pajama shirt.

“Ah, I see,” the said boy murmured. Despite that chuckle, his voice started losing its cozy playful tone and got more serious. “Could you look at me for a second, please?”

“Why should I?” Kokichi blurted out immediately; it was more of an automatic response. “You’re comfy down here.”

Big cold hands with slender fingers, a little uneven in shapes from constant writing and stress, smelling faintly of coffee and paper, carefully cupped his face and lifted it, leaving him no choice but to do as he was told. Ouma obediently raised his head, yes. But still struggled to tear his gaze away from Shuichi’s shirt. His eyes felt like heavy metal balls chained to the ground. His carefree smile that he always used to hide behind got heavier, too.

Shuichi’s eyes, on the other hand, were golden and loving, watchful and thoughtful, decorated by beautiful long eyelashes– even this sight was already too much for Kokichi right now. Too angelic, too bright, too kind. That’s why it took him perhaps several minutes to finally lift his gaze and hold his breath from hitching once their eyes finally met. Shuichi's fingers were drawing tiny comforting circles on his cheeks. Calming. Shuichi was always calming.

“Answer me in any way you want, but this is important, okay?” he asked, looking directly at Ouma as if they were a criminal and a policeman during an interrogation. He didn’t look as menacing, though – just worried. About his idiot of a boyfriend. Even though Kokichi would constantly joke about how he always made Saihara’s heart die with worry, it was too much to bear even for someone as evil as him. He nodded in silence, trying hard not to break the eye contact – and it seemed like the most difficult challenge he’d ever taken.

“Do you feel unloved, Kichi?”

Shuichi’s voice faltered, revealing his genuine sadness, and Ouma bit his lip almost too hard to the point that it smelled like blood in his mouth. Shuichi sounded disappointed, but not in his boyfriend. He was disappointed in _himself_.

That wasn’t right. That was wrong. Painfully wrong, terrifyingly wrong. Kokichi was ready to jump closer to Saihara and scream how perfect he was. His body was filled with dizziness and hotness from furious disagreement, ready to make an angry statement about Shuichi always being self-critical and overly caring. However, the same cold finger fell on his bitten lip, asking for silence, and Ouma – to his surprise – obeyed. Shuichi didn’t finish talking.

“I know I’m caught up in work too much,” he said, his sharp shoulders lifted so high that they could easily reach his ears. “And maybe I still haven’t found the best approach to you yet… But I don’t want you to feel this way. So, if there’s anything I could do to make you feel better, please ask. I can do whatever you want if it brings you joy, you know? I want to make you happy, just like you do it to me.”

Poor, naive Shuichi. If only he knew how many truly good people could make him ten– no, hundreds of millions times happier than Kokichi ever did. If only he knew that he couldn't suffer so much trying to decode the undecodable person, and–

“I feel loved,” the reply slipped from his tongue, and he bit it angrily to shut himself up, even though it was too late. “That’s exactly why I’m…”

He couldn’t bring himself to finish the sentence, at least.

“…worried about _you_.”

…Unless?

The dark clouds of self-doubt on Shuichi’s pale face immediately shifted into a puzzled expression. He raised his thin eyebrows in a non-verbal question and opened his mouth, yet no sound came out. Kokichi probably needed to explain himself further, but as it always was, words got stuck in his throat halfway through. A strong urge to clench his chest made his body shrink, and Shuichi’s arms conveniently extended towards him, catching by the waist, hugging harder as if he were a teddy bear. Though Shuichi’s skin was cold all the time, Kokichi felt a wave of comforting warmth going through him. He let out a deep sigh, getting rid of heaviness in his lungs.

“You shouldn’t worry about me like that,” Saihara whispered. It was so sudden that Kokichi’s heart jumped. Their frequent heavy breaths started sounding in unison. Their faces were close to each other, noses almost pressed together, and it just so happened that they were both staring into each other’s eyes, and neither of them could look away. Such a rare occasion for Ouma. “I– I _love you_ , Kokichi. You know how much I put into these words when I say them. I want to be around you all the time. Not because it’s a responsibility or a burden, but because you make me feel happy. It’s not a lie.”

Careful fingers started playing with Kokichi’s purple hair, curling his messy locks and pushing them lightly, brushing through them and hiding them behind his ears. Kokichi closed his eyes, leaning towards the touch. “I’m always happy to be back home and hear your voice as soon as I open the door. I’m always happy to wake up in the morning and see you on the pillow next to me. I’m always happy to listen to your jokes and stories, to walk around the city with you, to do anything or nothing together.”

The same fingers lowered to his chin, a thumb slowly drawing the line just below his lips. Kokichi parted them a little, allowing his boyfriend to place his finger there, and Saihara did just so, moving it from one corner of his mouth to another. The sensation was smooth and sweet, like honey (which Ouma hated but tolerated since it reminded him of Shuichi’s golden eyes). It was filled with tenderness that Kokichi never knew existed, with gentle care he never thought he deserved.

“I’m happy too, you know,” he mumbled reluctantly, moving his lips slower than usual to keep Saihara’s thumb on them. “And it’s not a lie, either.”

That _chuckle_ , again. It would be nice to record it and listen to it instead of music when things got lonely. “Then what’s bugging you? Is there something that still feels wrong?”

Yes, there was. The fact that it was all too good to be true. Kokichi snickered at the thought but never said it out loud. He knew Shuichi knew already. Shuichi himself wasn’t light-hearted enough to accept everything as it was. They both had a difficult time realizing that some things required nothing but just their true feelings, and that there was no premonition of evil in the happiness they got. So, even though they were still figuring out how to live without questioning every single event or emotion, it was easier to make progress together.

_Huh…_ Kokichi opened his eyes widely and suddenly.

As long as they were together, it was really alright, wasn’t it? He knew for sure he could trust Shuichi – it was proven to him a million times, and even his strongest fears and barriers weakened by the love he received from the shy detective. He was still afraid of Saihara leaving one day, of course, and of hundreds and thousands of other things that could get him back to square one, but was it truly worth thinking right now, when the night was so cozy and their cuddles were so full of warmth?

He hummed into Shuichi’s cheek, tickling his skin with his long eyelashes– not as long as Shuichi’s, of course, but still enough to make him giggle and cutely look away. “I was messing with you. Nothing worries me anymore.”

“This _has_ to be a lie,” the detective replied. “I just want you to remember that there’s nothing wrong in feeling this way. We’re still learning, after all, and we need to try and embrace what we feel instead of ignoring it to make things better, right?”

Right. Kokichi’s empty body got filled with emotions again. Thoughts that made him a mess just minutes ago got quieter and weaker, merging with thousands of usual ones – about the organization, about Panta, about them getting a cat one day… They now sounded like Shuichi and were pleasing to hear. One of the loudest thoughts among them was just Shuichi’s name. It carried so much emotions that no context was needed for it.

Kokichi brushed his lips against his boyfriend’s cheek and smiled to himself, watching it visibly turn red. “Whatevs, big deal. As long as you're my second-in-command, it’s all fine.” He felt Shuichi smile too as their noses and their mouths got pressed together suddenly. They tried to kiss but their lips moved so clumsily against each other, strained from smiles that got wider and wider, that in the end they couldn’t keep up and burst out laughing. Ouma listened a little more closely to Shuichi’s voice. He loved how his boyfriend laughed, mostly since he didn’t do that very often. His heart melted once he realized that, after they’d gotten together, Saihara laughed and smiled much more than he used to.

Did _he_ do that to him? Was _he_ , Ouma Kokichi, a manipulative liar with loads of weird issues and problematic traits, responsible for that angelic, soft, melodic laugh that he was hearing now? Even though it sounded surreal, even though it could be a lie, even though nothing really meant what it seemed to mean, right now…

Kokichi was ready to believe it.

He raised his eyes to meet Shuichi’s. Their bedroom started to fade away as if the night were getting even darker. They looked at each other and never said a word, lost in thought, lost in feelings. Kokichi felt his chest pumping; his small heart gained the strength of a monster, ready to shatter his bones and get out. Shuichi’s cold hands were cupping his face, again, and they were getting warmer each minute. This silence was pleasant as love and delight lingered in it like a soundless echo.

How cheesy. How unrealistic. Could the truth be that good?

Ouma’s eyes began to close on their own, heavy from sudden sleepiness. He nestled himself in his beloved’s arms, placed his head back on the other’s chest, and wrapped his arms and legs around his body like a koala. Nothing but that mattered now. No thoughts could stop him from getting comfortable again tonight. Of course, they would certainly make a dramatic comeback, visiting every once in a while how distant relatives usually did, but Kokichi knew that, no matter what, he would find peace again and again with the help from _his wonderful, legendary, most talented, most adorable, most caring boyfriend Saihara Shuichi_. With this on his mind and a sleepy smirk on his lips, he fell asleep.

Shuichi, however, was still deep in thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, sorry for clumsy writing. Please point out anything you find wrong, and I'll try to fix it right away. Thank you very much for reading!!


	2. A letter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A peculiar letter appears on Ouma's nightstand.

Kokichi hated mornings. Particularly the ones that were tainted with emptiness on the pillow next to him and a faint smell of coffee at the door. The ones starting at 11 am or even later, when the first thing he’d do was open his eyes and realize he’d missed Shuichi leaving for work again because that soft-hearted idiot never bothered to wake him up.

This made him cherish weekends and holidays a lot, to the point that he could get excited not for the approaching free time, festivals, or fun activities, but for the feeling of waking up in Shuichi’s arms and staying in bed for as long as possible, playing with his long cold fingers or black hair, receiving quick kisses on his own shoulders and returning them on the smiling lips. Kokichi had never considered himself touch-starved or clingy until he tasted the cruel loneliness of his beloved’s absence. Especially when it was the very first thing he felt after waking up.

So then, this morning was fine if marked by how ordinary people would do. The sun was shining brightly, pouring its light into the room through the bedroom window, and the wind was playing with the curtains like a nosy kindergartener. The streets were busy as always, but all the sounds melted in one comforting background noise that brought liveliness and energy to the lazy morning atmosphere.

However, for Kokichi, this morning was _absolutely terrible and disgusting_. Neither the sun nor the wind mattered if Shuichi wasn’t lying next to him, his hands weren’t gently touching his shoulders, and his voice wasn’t waking him up. The Ultimate Supreme Leader groaned, rolled from side to side like a dog in a pool of dirt. The bed still smelled like Shuichi, which made him both terribly happy and awfully irritated. He sighed. Boring. He shook his head. Lonesome. Should he have slept through the whole day instead?

He hugged his boyfriend’s pillow, let it go, rolled himself into the blanket and struggled to get out– that was when his sharp eye noticed something on the nightstand, something small and white. Particularly, a piece of paper with letters scribbled on it. Kokichi hummed loudly as if he wanted someone else to hear him, then outstretched his arm to take the mysterious object. What could it be? Was Shuichi kidnapped by one of his suspects, and this note was a threat to Ouma or his secret organization? Did Shuichi suddenly decide to run away, terrified by his boyfriend’s weird antics, and this was a breakup note? Lots of ideas were screaming in Kokichi’s busy head, but none of them could predict what actually was written on that paper.

It was undoubtedly Saihara’s handwriting – clean and precise, strokes sharp like his slender shoulders and straight like his back when he was presenting investigation reports to Mrs. Kirigiri. Heart started beating ten times faster from seeing those accurate letters form Kokichi’s first name. For some reason, it was difficult to start reading. It felt like he could run out of the air to breathe while doing so. Was it fear? Excitement? He couldn’t even tell. Ouma rotated the note a little to calm himself down.

And then, after tons of mental preparation, he started reading.

_“Good morning Kokichi!_

_You were sleeping soundly so I decided not to wake you up and wrote this instead. I’ve recently noticed that you skip breakfast often. That’s why I baked you some pancakes with your favorite grape jam. If you don’t want the grape jam it’s fine, there’s some chocolate sauce left on the table as well. The pancakes might not have turned very good but I still hope you like them!_

_Please send me a text once you read this. And please tell me how you liked my pancakes after you eat them. I’m really curious!_

_I’ll try my best to leave early today so we could go somewhere before sleep. Maybe go out for dinner? You pick, okay? You always know a good place to have fun at._

_Anyway, I hope you have a nice day!_

_Love you,_

_Shuichi”_

It was only after he finished reading it for the third time when he finally noticed his mouth was wide open. And then he remembered that he was still Kokichi Ouma, that his heart was pounding like crazy, and that he wasn’t sleeping or having an out-of-body experience or anything else that seemed pretty plausible for this situation. Shuichi had _never_ written him letters before. He would usually drop a text or two, something short and sweet like “Love you!” or “Good morning!”. Going out of the way to write a letter? In such casual manner, too?

Kokichi fidgeted on the bed, re-read the text for the fourth time. Did Shuichi _really_ bake him pancakes? He sniffed the surrounding warm air and heard his stomach growl. The air indeed smelled like pancakes. Probably due to Ouma’s sleepiness and grumpiness, he didn’t notice at first. Or he just didn’t know it was a smell of pancakes _made specifically for him_ , not a random smell from a nearby café. Or he was too busy gathering sweet remains of Shuichi’s scent on the sheets and pillows instead. Either way, it didn’t matter now. The letter didn’t lie.

Saihara wasn’t a good cook, but since Kokichi was even worse at it, he took the lead in preparing food for both of them. He’d tried baking before once – he asked Akamatsu for help, and the pancakes turned out kind of bland because the poor guy was too cautious with ingredients. Waking up early in the morning, tired and dizzy, a few hours before work, _and preparing such a difficult meal for your lazy scrawny boyfriend_? Kokichi couldn’t tell if he felt sorry or grateful.

Eating pancakes with grape jam or chocolate sauce sounded fun, and the note still made his heart bounce happily in his chest, but he would never leave things just how they were supposed to be. He was Ouma Kokichi, after all! There was an opportunity for a little prank, and Kokichi could _never_ miss an opportunity for a little prank. By this time, Shuichi was probably sitting in his detective chair, nervous, being a shy bundle of nerves he was, waiting for a response. Even though Ouma could sense his tender feelings for him bottling up so fast that he was ready to spill them all right away, he grabbed his phone with a wide grin. Sleepiness disappeared immediately, and so did the morning grumpiness.

Shuichi was online as if he’d been waiting all this time. Adorably stupid. Poor gullible boy.

**“gm shumai”**

**“Good morning!!”**

Kokichi waited a little. No additional texts. No _“Did you notice anything on your nightstand? ;)”_ or _“How did you like my note?”_ questions. Shuichi was so pure that he could burst into tears right now. He loved his naïve detective so much.

**“so… whatcha doin”**

**“Oh just filling some case reports and reviewing all evidence files. What about you??”**

Kokichi could tell he was growing impatient each second. He was probably thinking that his note was still unnoticed, _dying_ from suspense!

**“idk. peeing”**

He took the note in his free hand and looked through it again, scanning each letter as if it were a piece of art to be analyzed. He couldn’t feel that yet, but his grin was slowly turning into a warm genuine smile.

**“So you’ve been up for a while already? I thought you've been asleep until now haha”**

_“And you haven’t found my note?”_ it translated. Ouma bit his lip, then jumped from the bed and rushed towards the kitchen. The sweet smell of food guided him through their small apartment, and he felt like he was on a treasure hunt. As soon as he walked in, he saw his favorite plate – the one they bought during one of the festivals, colorful and quirky – placed beautifully in the center of the dining table like the main attraction, and a short tower of small pancakes, the higher ones covered in grape jam, arose in front of his eyes. The sight was truly pleasing; Kokichi felt his stomach growl louder. He’d never been so hungry first thing in the morning, not even when he was starving for days in a row!

He imagined Shuichi standing beside the stove, baking and smiling to himself, thinking about impressing his moody boyfriend. A little thought pricked his heart– wouldn’t it be nice to enjoy such a wonderful breakfast together? Wouldn’t it be nice to make Shuichi some coffee while he was finishing the pancakes, sit down and talk about something stupid and insignificant? Feed each other, watch each other smile from the taste of the food, feeling the morning dizziness disappear…

Kokichi sighed loudly. They should definitely have this kind of morning this weekend. Making Shuichi the nicest coffee ever and giving him kisses all over his cheeks? He could pull that off _easily_. He was the Ultimate Supreme Leader, after all. There was nothing he _couldn’t_ do.

The scent of freshly made pancakes reminded him of their presence. He flopped down on his chair, grabbing the plate hungrily, and took a bite out of the first pancake. Jam streamed down his chin as he was chewing in delight, enjoying the taste. The meal turned out amazing. It was nothing like that first try with Akamatsu. This time Shuichi truly put his heart and soul into it.

In a matter of a few minutes, the plate got emptier, the pancake tower was half-destroyed, and remains of grape jam were spilled over the edges and the table. Kokichi, pleased, was enjoying the food to the fullest, imagining himself being a pancake critic at a culinary show. He heard an applause from the audience that was already waiting for his judgement and made a serious face. How would he rate this dish? Surely 100/10. _Huh?_ He heard angry hums of the other critics. Who said he was biased? Fine then, 69/10 seemed like a wonderful result anyway. The most important thing was that no one else could make pancakes as perfectly as his beloved.

Having his mouth still full and covered in jam, Ouma shamelessly took a selfie and sent it to his boyfriend.

**“btw thanks for pancakes shumai!! they’re wonderful ur like a cooking pro now!!! cant wait for u to come home so I could praise u in person!!!!!”**

As soon as he texted that, his fingers started moving on their own, and his breath hitched in sudden excitement.

**“I was messing with u. Ive read ur note first thing in the morning and it was amazing. Ive been crying for an hour!!!!!!!”**

**“ok, an hour might be an exaggeration. it was a 50-minutes outburst. still I didn’t expect u to do something so awesome!! why did u even push urself to do that???”**

It took Shuichi half a second to appear online and read the messages that overwhelmed Kokichi spammed into the chat. He kept quiet for a little, surely blushing and covering his mouth – Ouma mimicked this gesture to himself for some reason, and it made him smile widely – and then answered:

**“I didn’t push myself to do anything. I did that because I love you.”**

“I love you.” He said it so casually, yet Kokichi almost choked on his pancake because he definitely needed to catch his breath. Even though Saihara got used to saying things like that out loud and did it quite often these days, it still sounded new and foreign to him. Those three simple words that had never had any meaning to him before could easily make his heart burst out of his chest and his blood get hot, rushing to the cheeks.

**“aww ur being cheesy again!!”**

**“Sorry :)”**

Each time Shuichi said “I love you”, either looking Kokichi into the eyes or through a simple text, the scary evil dictator Ouma felt like he was pretty close to having a heart attack. Those words, pronounced by Shuichi and Shuichi only, with his calm voice and his gentle stare, meant more than anything else to him now. Not only words– even the _little things_ , like cooking breakfast for him in the morning, or leaving a note on the nightstand for him, or texting him every hour no matter how busy the detective work could get, or letting him wear his white shirts and emo tees so he would feel less lonely at home, or talking about anything for hours in bed before sleep. All of these were equally significant. However simple they were, they always brought enormous amounts of joy, even to the most boring days and the saddest nights. Kokichi wasn’t exactly the type to notice every little detail and make it a big deal, but he never missed a single tiny gesture Shuichi made towards him. It all mattered to him. It all meant a lot to him.

And he never thought he’d become this way.

With shivering fingers, biting his lip, he sent the last text and quickly put the phone away. Some pancakes were left on the plate covered so that they wouldn’t get too cold until the evening. Kokichi wanted to make sure Shuichi could enjoy them too.

**“I love you too, Shuichi.”**

Since then, Shuichi would always leave a note on Kokichi’s nightstand before leaving to work. 


	3. A helping hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shuichi always works too much, and Kokichi is never happy about it.

Shuichi always took his detective work very seriously, whether it was a stupid infidelity case or a homicide. The higher the stakes were, the less he slept, digging himself deeper and deeper into work. He could do it so hard that Kokichi would often find him sleeping at his desk, or meet him at the door at 2 am with eyebags larger than Tokyo, or notice him skipping meals and only drinking coffee the entire day. Of course, those things never made him happy, but once Shuichi was involved into a new case, he’d become out of reach. During those moments Kokichi used his Ultimate Supreme Leader talent to the fullest. Many manipulation tricks, crocodile tears, loud screams, and cold orders came in handy, sometimes to simply put the overworked detective to sleep. Ugh.

Kokichi knew it was Shuichi’s job and Shuichi’s responsibility. He also knew that Shuichi couldn’t drop his work whenever he liked and that his persistence helped him crack cases faster, sometimes saving nerves and money of his desperate clients or even lives of potential victims. It was Shuichi’s choice to pursue every case like that, and no one should’ve been able to interfere. If Shuichi pulled that off every time, there was no problem in repeating all of it again and again.

But Kokichi was still worried. His dark evil heart tightened and hurt every time he saw his boyfriend leave their bedroom on shaky legs or sleep with his messy head on the desk like a bored high schooler. Kokichi couldn’t stand seeing him cry from stress and pressure, couldn’t stop his own hands from shaking when cupping his face and telling him it would be alright, couldn’t stop his voice from disappearing when taking the collapsed detective to bed, mumbling death threats to whoever invented crime. He felt like Shuichi was all alone with that huge responsibility on his fragile shoulders, and no one, not even Ouma, could really help him. It was killing him inside.

With this on his busy mind, he entered the bedroom and slammed his hand on the table, right next to Shuichi’s papers. Crooked letters were covering all of them, making each look like they were written by a mental hospital patient. Kokichi felt his heart tremble once again.

“You’re still working, aren’t you,” he lowered his voice to sound more menacing. “What case is it this time? You never even bothered to tell me.”

Shuichi raised his head and met his boyfriend’s eyes. He looked terrible. Even for his pale complexion, his skin was a little too white, like porcelain, and his eyebags overshadowed his beautiful eyelashes with their darkness. If he were cosplaying a zombie, Kokichi thought, he’d win an award at a cosplay con.

“Sorry… Someone stole a family relic,” Saihara’s voice barely sounded human. No, it sounded more like it was put through too many voice changers and glitched. “It’s a very expensive vase, from the Kamakura period or something. It’s like… A historical monument, of a sort.”

Kokichi tangled his fingers in the messy black hair just below him. Seemed like the Ultimate Detective didn’t even care to brush it once. For always being neat, he was undoubtedly failing his own nature. Ouma sighed loudly so his disappointment could be heard perfectly clear and clicked his tongue. “You look like a historical monument yourself. I feel like if I touch you, white sand will start crumbling from your skin.”

He placed his hand on Shuichi’s cheek as if trying to check whether it would be true or not, only for Shuichi to lean onto it like a tired cat and bury his face in his small palm. Kokichi felt a heated wave of shivers run down his spine. In a matter of seconds, his heart was already racing like crazy, blood rushing to his face. Overworked and exhausted, his beloved detective was still the cutest person in the world. “See? You’re so weak,” Ouma sighed again and began gently drawing comforting patterns on Shuichi’s pale cheeks. “You won’t find a relic in this state. I bet you can barely find a door or a pen.”

“No, I’m not _that_ tired…” the detective mumbled, tickling Kokichi’s palm with his lips and eyelashes. “I can finish it today, and we’ll find the vase before the thief sells it and flees the prefecture.”

Sure. He wasn’t _that_ tired. Just a few all-nighters and shaking fingers from incredible amounts of coffee drunk during the last 3 days. Just the dead look in his tired eyes and a noticeable weakness of his whole body that seemed to have lost even more weight. Ouma groaned angrily and pinched his boyfriend’s cheek, making him yelp soundlessly. What a careless fool! Always helping others in exchange for his own comfort! Kind people are always so dumb.

“You’re pathetic,” he spat, completely irritated. “You choose some stupid old stinky vase over your well-being. And over having some quality time with your _lovely boyfriend_! Are you married to your job or something? Do you have a secret relationship with it?”

At moments like that Saihara would always get defensive of his job, proving how much it meant to him and how beneficial it was for everyone to the stubborn Supreme Leader, but all he did now was just sigh loudly and helplessly. His condition was to blame, surely. He was probably too weak to fight back. “It’s really okay, Kichi. It’s normal to work hard, you know?”

“If working hard means dying from a heart attack at 22, then I have big concerns about these norms of yours!” Kokichi snorted angrily and jumped on their bed, twirling the air around him like a hurricane. Fine, he thought. If he couldn’t win verbally, he could use some different techniques. Like _seduction_. Well– of course, Shuichi was too tired to be seduced into doing something _fun_ , but Ouma’s main objective today was nothing more than to promote a good and healthy sleep.

Which was exactly what he did, having undressed and getting under the soft blankets. He gasped with his most excited and happy voice, ignoring the yucky feeling of worry cutting and slicing his heart, and made himself comfortable on the pillow. He noticed how faint and distant Shuichi’s smell was – as if they didn’t share this bed at all, as if he were just a one-time visitor, quick to leave once the night was over. Kokichi could barely keep his composure. He needed to change the mood really fast or he’d snap.

“Ah, the bed is so lovely! I’m soooo comfy!” he sang, perhaps a little too loud for someone who was about to fall asleep. His stupid detective boyfriend, however, sighed and moved his chair closer to the desk.

“I’m glad. Please sleep well for me, Kokichi.”

Kokichi bit his fingernails so hard that they turned white. Shuichi’s voice sounded too weak, too out-of-place, making him, _the evil Supreme Leader, the Ultimate Dickish Dictator, soulless and heartless monster feared by all citizens of Japan_ , hurt even more. As if the quieter Saihara talked, the more life left his exhausted body. As if seeing him drain himself was the worst of all punishments, even for someone like Kokichi. He roared into the pillow and started rolling all across the bed. Mood swap, take two!

“Waaaaah! But it’s so cold in here!” he started crying, watching tears stream down his cheeks and almost believing they were real. “I can’t fall asleep without my beloved tugging me closer and warming me up!”

_Shuichi turned around!!!_ – only to look at him with pure confusion, the one that made his face ten times more innocent and surprised, like when he’d find a weird clue that complicated the case. “You’re the warm one, though. Why do you need my cold body in this cold bed?”

He was testing him. Kokichi was sure of it. Shuichi played dumb just to piss him off to the point that he’d turn away and fall asleep alone, letting him finish working on that lame case. The more they lived together, the more Saihara got used to his dramatic tactics and weird antics, and it was definitely not working in Ouma’s favor. He howled in despair.

“Stop playing games with me, idiot! Just come here and get some rest, or I won’t talk to you for the rest of our lives! I will n-e-v-e-r say a w-o-r-d!”

The response was hopeless and sad. “Sorry, Kichi. I can’t drop it now when I’m this close to the truth.”

Kokichi could sense Shuichi looking at him with his sad honey eyes, trying to find support, but he didn’t care anymore. Let idiots be idiots, they say. Let them learn through awful mistakes and terrible decisions. If this dumb detective dies from overworking next week, Kokichi won’t even visit his funeral. He won’t cry a tear. He won’t even tell anyone that Shuichi died because this death was stupid! Detectives aren’t some salarymen whose only purpose is to serve their company like robots, so why would he choose such a hopeless fate?

Another tired sigh. “I’m really, really sorry. I know you’re worried about me. I promise I’ll get some rest right after I finish.”

Kokichi turned away from the desk and buried himself in the blanket. “Do as you please. I don’t care. I’m not worried about you at all.”

But that, of course, was a lie.

Not saying anything anymore, he just kept listening to how Shuichi’s pen was scratching the paper, drawing some lines and symbols along the way as it jumped from one page to another, accompanied by heavy sighs and quiet hums. Kokichi tried hard not to fall asleep until his boyfriend was finished, but these sounds worked well as a lullaby, and soon he gave in without noticing, clutching his worried heart in his small fist.

***

They were lying in bed, surrounded by rainbow-colored trees and flowers, Kokichi resting his chin oh Shuichi’s chest. Looking at each other. Losing themselves in each other’s eyes, watching reflections of each other’s faces dancing and glowing in them. Kokichi felt his beloved’s cold hands on his naked back, and he rested his own on Shuichi’s sharp shoulders. It was a very familiar scene. They did that a lot, didn’t they?

Suddenly, Shuichi lowered his gaze and hid it underneath his long eyelashes. All kinds of colors painted his face, changing with each movement of his lips, and Kokichi couldn’t help but stare at him as he spoke. “I know I’m caught up in work too much,” he said in a very familiar, predictable tone. “And maybe I haven’t found the best approach to you yet… But I really don’t want you to feel this way. So, if there’s anything I can do to make you feel better, please ask. I can do whatever you want if it brings you joy, you know? I want to make you happy, just like you do it to me.”

Huh? Kokichi winced, and the colors started fading. Hadn’t they had this conversation already? It was just a week ago, right? And then Shuichi baked him pancakes the next morning, and then they went out for dinner, and then they were making out all night. And then Shuichi started leaving him “good morning” notes every day, and it was sweet, but then he got a new case, and that nightmare of a job took the best of him yet again, and then–

Oh, that’s right! The whole space went black and white, changing back into a more realistic scenery. Ouma was supposed to wait until Shuichi finished his stupid work and went to sleep with him. Did he really fall asleep before that happened? He forced himself out of the pleasant dream, lifting his eyelids with all his might as if they were dumbbells. The coldness of Shuichi’s hands on him changed into a disappointing coldness of an empty pillow next to his. Darkness filled the room like a black drink pouring into a cup, and Kokichi had to blink a few thousand times to adjust to such a drastic change. He glanced at the clock – 3 am, a very evil hour. Waking up at this time was so in-character for him, the Supreme Leader of evil. He turned around to locate Shuichi.

It was hard to see through the dark, especially with eyes still hazy after sudden awakening, but Kokichi managed to outline a familiar spine rested on the back of the chair, not moving. Shuichi’s arms and head were also motionless. He looked like a mannequin used to film scenes with a character being fatally shot in a car or something. The desk light was still on, and it helped navigate in the dark; Kokichi slowly got up, unsure of his own emotions bottling up in his throat, and crept towards the chair with the Ultimate Detective doll on it. Did Shuichi really die from overworking himself? That could be quite a burden. Kokichi would have to die too, then.

As he approached the chair, he heard soft snuffling. Shuichi’s head was dropped down on his slowly moving chest, and he was sleeping soundly with a pained expression on his pale face. Kokichi sighed in relief. Well, of course he wasn’t afraid of his boyfriend suddenly dying. It was just that…

He finally stopped. If the Ultimate Supreme Leader couldn’t persuade him to do that, his own body certainly did. No matter how hard he worked, he couldn’t fool himself. Ouma slowly lowered his gaze to the papers lying mixed up all across the desk. Unlike the usual times, Saihara’s handwriting was rather messy, roller coasting through the pages, and constantly changing in size. It all looked like the insides of Kokichi’s head. How could he even think like that, being so exhausted? Kokichi wondered whether he even managed to solve the case in this state. Probably not, otherwise he’d become the Ultimate Superhuman. Having moved Shuichi’s lifeless hands from the rest of the papers, Ouma quickly scanned each of them but never found the end to evidence links and suspects eliminations. He figured this poor overworked idiot couldn’t finish his job and fell asleep without noticing. He sighed. _Poor_ … overworked idiot.

Regardless, right now Shuichi needed to be transported to the bed at all costs. It wasn’t too far away, and his body seemed to be lighter than usual, so Kokichi didn’t hesitate to carefully pick him up by his arms and slowly move away from his workplace. From someone else’s perspective, it probably looked like he was dragging a lifeless body to a nearby trashcan. Ouma snickered quietly at the thought. How intriguing it would be to be seen like that, when in reality he was taking care of his stupid boyfriend! Ah, if only they were being watched.

All that transportation hustle didn’t wake Shuichi up. He was probably too exhausted to wake up, anyway. Kokichi successfully dragged him to their bed and placed his sleepless body on his pillow. His eyes instinctively got glued to Saihara’s sleeping face. Even though it was stained with paleness and dark eyebags, he looked surprisingly peaceful. The previous sad expression melted away, turning into his casual one– not like Kokichi knew it perfectly because he would always watch his beloved sleeping.

He let out another sigh. How could Shuichi be so careless? So cruel to himself? He always worked hard, helped a lot of people, and achieved so much, but at what cost? Why did he need to take this burden all alone? Without thinking, Ouma sat down next to the sleeping detective and carefully placed his small hand on his beloved’s cheek. Shuichi sniffed a little, feeling the touch, but still didn’t open his eyes. Sleeping beauty, Kokichi chuckled. “You’re working so hard,” he whispered. “You’re _the bestest_ detective in the world. I hope you know that.”

Even though a sudden urge to kiss him grew in his chest, he quickly smothered the thought. He couldn't disturb Shuichi. If he woke up, he’d get back to work like a zombie. It would be better to let him sleep until the very morning. Kokichi smiled to himself, not being sure why, covered his beloved with a blanket, and walked back to the desk, footsteps light and careful.

When Shuichi wakes up, he’ll be so sad and disappointed, he thought. And he hated seeing Shuichi sad and disappointed. His heart shattered each time it happened. Therefore, Kokichi concluded, Shumai desperately needed some help. He seated himself on the chair and gathered all papers in one place, humming quietly. Luckily, the Ultimate Supreme Leader was always there to help. He, the criminal overlord, could easily solve some stupid theft case. Kokichi had an experience in that himself, after all.

Thus, the Supreme Leader of evil began his evil work. He sorted all papers in the right order (he’d always been good with puzzles!), read through them, analyzed the drawings and links Shuichi left. It was difficult to aim for solving the case without having any background information on it, so Kokichi took the time to look up the incident in the latest news. Clue after clue, one piece of evidence after another, he slowly got completely sucked into the process, partially understanding why Shuichi found it so difficult to stop all the time; then, before he knew it, the clock struck six, and he crossed the last suspect out of the list, leaving only one. All that was left to do was to find his personal information and perform an arrest.

Kokichi let out a deep, relieved sigh and dropped his head down. He felt like an overheated machine, but the one that got in that state after hours of hard and productive work. He was so satisfied with himself and with Shuichi that he didn’t even feel sleepy. He was amazed by the amount of work Saihara did to carefully pin down the suspects. He’d probably never been as proud of anyone as he was of his beloved. Shuichi was truly a persistent and very skilled detective, and it just so happened that this wonderful person was also Kokichi’s boyfriend.

All of this made his heart flatter, full of sudden tenderness and love, and he could barely keep himself from jumping on Shuichi and showering him with out-of-context compliments. Or kisses. Or both. Kokichi shook his head. No, Shuichi should rest. He did a great job, so he absolutely deserved it.

Smiling to himself again, Ouma put the papers in one place – wow, he could be neat too at times – and went back to bed, carefully snuggling into Shuichi’s arms. Since he tended to move around or leave bed a lot during nights, Shuichi had a reflex to grab his small body and tug it closer as soon as he appeared nearby without actually waking up. This time was no exception. Kokichi happily hid his warm hands in his boyfriend’s, locked their fingers, and closed his eyes, completely satisfied by how the events laid out. He listened to Shuichi’s calm breath and heartbeat, and it made him sleepy in a bit. He didn’t even notice how his eyes started closing slowly, and soon enough he fell into a deep, deep sleep.

***

He woke up hearing Shuichi packing his bag. The morning sun was still shining weakly, fighting remnants of the night’s darkness left in the fresh air. The clock showed half-past six. Just about time Shuichi would usually wake Kokichi up to kiss him goodbye.

This morning, however, he was glued to his table, looking through papers with confused eyes. Ouma immediately got ready to act as if nothing happened and stretched like a lazy cat. “You’re leaving?” his voice was raspier than usual. Shuichi flinched at turned around.

“Yeah,” he said, lost in thought. “Hey Kichi, do you remember when I went to bed tonight?”

That’s right, they had a little fight yesterday. It could work in Kokichi’s favor to back up his lie. He pouted, hugging Saihara’s pillow, and shook his sleepy head. “Why would I? I fell asleep way before you, and you never listened to me.”

The detective came closer to the bed, still holding the papers, and the scent of his cologne filled the air around Kokichi. The said boy gave him the most discouraging, uncaring look. “What?”

“It’s just– I don’t remember how I…” Shuichi scratched the back of his head like a pathetic nerd. “I don’t remember how I solved the case. I don’t even remember how I got in bed.”

Keeping composure was a piece of cake for Ouma. He never moved a muscle, looking at his boyfriend with the same resentment in his sleepy purple eyes, and watched him studying his face confusingly, as if trying to crack him open. _Ha!_ He could never see through his lies this time!

“So what do you want from _me_? Or are you bragging about it?” Kokichi sounded so irritated that it was actually realistic, considering the circumstances. “I’m still mad, you know. The fact that you cracked the case doesn’t change that.”

He enjoyed seeing innocent confusion painting his beloved’s face (which wasn’t looking so pale and exhausted now, by the way). Shuichi kept frowning and endlessly shifting his gaze from papers to Kokichi, mouth open, while Kokichi was already on the verge of laughing at him. Still, he thought, it would be awesome if he’d never figured out the truth. Some things are better left unknown. He imagined the Ultimate Detective happily thanking him for help, and it was so sweet that he felt sick.

He didn’t deserve any credit. If he hadn’t done what he did, Shuichi would be so upset right now. Or, what’s worse, he could get fired if the thief escaped before he found out their identity. In other words, it wasn’t an act of kindness or love, like Shuichi’s notes and pancakes. It was a drastic measure for an emergency.

_Right?..._

Shuichi’s chuckle blew his thoughts away like bubbles. “I see,” he said, suspiciously leaning down to Kokichi’s face. “It seems I really did solve the case before losing consciousness.”

“Like I said, who cares?” the Supreme Leader lifted his messy head to receive a light kiss on the cheek. “I’m still mad at your workaholic ass.”

“I’m sorry, Kokichi,” Shuichi took his small hands and gently kissed the tips of his fingers, looking at them with unreasonable delight. His eyes were strangely fixed on them even after he stopped kissing. “I promise, I will take good care of myself from now on.”

Kokichi rolled his eyes dramatically, making sure it was visible enough. “I won’t believe you until you actually do that. And kiss me on the lips to plead for forgiveness.”

“With pleasure.” Shuichi’s lips formed an adorable smile – Ouma’s favorite one, pure and happy – before they bumped into Kokichi’s, and the world started melting away as it never really mattered anymore. Kokichi got up from the pillow to move closer, brushed his fingers against Shuichi’s cheek and neck.

They hadn’t kissed in a while, had they? That must’ve been the reason why this kiss felt so special and sweet, warming up every cold part inside his evil frozen heart, making him weak without actually hating it, making him want to hold Shuichi as close as possible and never let him go, however important his stupid job was. He hummed happily into his boyfriend’s mouth and kissed him even deeper, ignoring the smile widening against his lips. He heard Saihara giggle – was he _that_ happy about the case? What an idiot! – and grabbed his shoulders hungrily. Kokichi had never realized it before, but he missed Shuichi so much while he was caught up in work. It happened all the time.

He was still bitter about this whole work situation. He sure was. But even though it made him mad, even though he was never happy with how Shuichi handled his job, even though he was secretly scheming to take down his boss and give his favorite detective 6 days off each week, he still found comfort in thinking that every time, no matter how difficult the case was or how exhausted Shuichi looked, he’d always back down at some point – to kiss Kokichi like that, to write him a note to leave on a nightstand, to tell him how much he loved him, and to spend their free time together as a reward for all his hard work. Kokichi knew he’d never leave his side, not even for his Ultimate talent.

And it was the best thing to be sure of.

Some time passed, and they broke out from their kiss. Kokichi licked his wet lips to savor the feeling a little more, and Shuichi got back to packing his bag and getting ready for work. They never really talked anymore – their lips have already said enough, and no words were needed to back it up. After a little while, Shuichi let the Ultimate Supreme Leader fix his tie and gave him another short kiss on the forehead. He was smiling all this time.

“Thank you,” he whispered as if telling a secret, and Kokichi winced. Did he just…?

“For what?” he immediately took a defensive pose, ready to refute any statement Shuichi would throw at him, to deny everything that happened that night until the very end, but Shuichi never answered. He just chuckled and left the room, leaving a faint trace of his cologne hanging in the air for a few more minutes.

Kokichi groaned. What was that just now? Did he find out?... _Whatevs. Probably not._ He made himself comfortable on the pillow, already sleepy, stretched out his hand and looked at his fingers lazily, reminiscing sweet kisses Shuichi had left on each of them.

_Then he noticed._

Everything immediately fell into place, forming a picture from tiny pieces of the puzzle. He realized why Shuichi was giggling, why he was looking at his hands with such a dumb smile, why he said “Thank you” before leaving.

Short marks of Shuichi’s pen were left on some of his fingers. They were tiny and barely visible but now were a crucial piece of evidence that someone like the Ultimate Detective would never miss. “Dammit!” Kokichi sighed and buried himself under the blankets, hiding from whatever he imagined. He was caught yet again. Shuichi was always one step behind him, but it didn’t take him long to catch up.

Having a detective boyfriend surely is hard, but it's definitely worth it.


	4. A videogame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kokichi doesn't talk about his hobby that much. Even though he really wants to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tbh I don't like how I wrote this chapter but I don't have a better substitute so sorry if it's too weird. 
> 
> Also, there's a little bit of strong language near the end (Miu has entered the building lmao)!

Kokichi had been playing games his entire life. He’d steal Tamagotchis and Nintendos from his classmates at school, frequent different shops just to look at colorful videogame CDs, trick arcade owners into believing his parents were going to pay for all games he played, or invent his own board games to play with D.I.C.E. during very important strategy meetings. Games gave him positive emotions and barely failed to pique his interest. He could spend hours thinking about certain characters or made-up worlds, trying to twist the plot in his own way, mimicking the villains.

The thing he enjoyed the most in games was the ability to participate in the story and change the outcome of it. He loved being in control. It helped him get away from the painful and dull reality, feel like someone else, pick up new habits, and craft new masks to feel safer in his own skin. One day, he promised himself, he’d create a game that would make someone happier, too. And then become a CEO of the biggest gaming company in Japan, as a treat.

Shuichi, on the other hand, hardly played any games. When Kokichi asked him about his experience in gaming once, he just shook his head in slight confusion. Shuichi loved reading detective novels and sometimes watched documentaries about criminology – as expected of the Ultimate Detective – but never considered playing mystery games for some reason. He admitted that both his Uncle and his parents thought that videogames, or games in general, were nothing but a waste of precious time Shuichi could spend studying. Therefore, he had neither interest nor skills in that. _What a noob._

Feeling sorry for him, Kokichi never brought up playing videogames as an activity they could do together. He spent most of his time in virtual worlds while Shuichi was away but never invited him to join when he could. They went to an arcade once, and the poor detective got so shy and nervous while playing that Ouma decided not to torture him anymore. After all, they didn’t have to share all the same interests or hobbies. Things were just good as they were, and they never struggled with the activities to do in their spare time.

That’s why, when Kokichi began developing _his own_ game, finally having taken a few online courses, he never expected Shuichi to follow the progress constantly. They could talk about it at nights before falling asleep sometimes: Saihara would ask how his game was going, Kokichi would either lie or tell him a short story or two, and then they’d change the topic. Without a doubt, Ouma was planning to show his final creation to his boyfriend – no, to do a whole showcase and invite some of their former classmates, too – but he never thought Shuichi was really interested in the development itself as he wasn’t familiar with videogames. He wasn’t even counting on Shuichi being one of the test players, to be honest. Saihara himself never asked for anything more, either. So… no dice.

Kokichi couldn’t wait to brag about his game in front of everyone, to show the perfection he created with his own two hands, but the process was prolonging further and further. Lack of help was the core problem in that. Kokichi didn’t like asking for assistance – after all, it was _his_ project, so he absolutely had to handle it alone! – and he figured no one would want to give him a hand anyway. Sometimes, though, he had to bite down a sudden urge to ask Shuichi for plot advice, _or_ to stop himself from asking for Amami’s opinion on character designs, _or_ he’d think about how nice it would be to have Akamatsu working on the soundtrack, _or_ he’d wish Kiibo and Iruma were there to help him with coding…

But overall, he was pretty much fine on his own. Despite, well, occasionally complaining to D.I.C.E. members about how slow the development went. Oh, actually, his followers offered their help once! They volunteered to take some courses in programming and graphic design but Kokichi stopped them. He didn’t want them to waste their time helping their leader. For such a higher-up like him, asking for help from his organization members seemed pathetic and lame. And Kokichi was _never_ pathetic or lame.

Anyways. It was a sunny weekend; he and Shuichi were walking down the street, eating ice cream and laughing, just like children hanging out after school. Shuichi held Kokichi’s free hand while he was jumping on fences and rocks. They were talking about little nothings, listening to birds hiding on the trees, tasting each other’s ice cream and deciding which flavor was the best (of course, Ouma won). It was a perfectly normal day, perfectly comfortable atmosphere, perfectly happy Shuichi resulting in perfectly satisfied Kokichi.

Then, all of a sudden, Kokichi noticed a teenage girl nearby. She was an ordinary girl without any quirks, but her outfit was so fashionable and flashy that the Ultimate Supreme Leader, being somewhat of a fashion expert himself, slowed down and glued his eyes to her without thinking. His heart throbbed in pure excitement. That girl…

Her outfit was _just perfect_ for one of his characters!

Shuichi followed him with curiosity, stopping right next to him and flashing a puzzled look. “What’s wrong?”

Oh, right. Talking about some girl’s outfit was tooootally lame. Kokichi bit his lip, hesitating. He’d love to take a quick sketch (because taking a picture would be weird), but at the same time, he didn’t want to draw Shuichi’s attention to that. They were on a date, after all! Did they really have time for Kokichi’s sudden inspiration hit?

Saihara’s cold hand gently fell on his shoulder. “Kichi?”

“Everything’s fine,” Kokichi rushed to blurt out the first thing he came up with. “I just saw a vision of my brother. You know, the one I killed to take over D.I.C.E.”

“Oh,” Shuichi looked in the same direction. The expression on his face didn’t change a bit. “I see. So did he dress like that girl you’re watching?”

Uh oh. Of course he’d notice. Now Kokichi owed him an explanation; the Supreme Leader felt his body tense up.

“Don’t tell me you’re jealous,” he snickered defensively. “She seems to be a teenager. Boo-hoo, Shumai is such a pervert!”

Shuichi pushed him lightly with his elbow, probably embarrassed. “Come on! It’s nothing like that! I bet you just liked her outfit and want to dress up the same.”

He knew his boyfriend too well to be jealous, at last. Kokichi needed to admit, he _did_ think of that at some point since the girl’s outfit was absolutely breathtaking. He appreciated people who could mix bright colors together well and never make it look like a weird barbie doll costume. However, that, too, wasn’t the case right now…

If he told the truth, would Shuichi get bored and drop the subject? He felt cold sweat breaking out all over his back, and it was pathetic. Getting all worked up over something like this!... He let out a loud sigh and turned his head away, hiding his gaze.

“I… I just thought this would look cool on one of my characters,” he uttered as quietly as possible. “From my game.”

Shuichi didn’t say anything at first, and the pause made Ouma instantly regret not lying further. The detective’s hand let go of his shoulder, and he felt a cold wave going through his body like a winter wind. That was probably a very disappointing thing to say. Very lame and stupid. After all, Saihara never really cared about videogames; he probably felt bothered and awkward now. Kokichi squeezed out a smirk and put an unbothered expression on his face, gathering strength to conceal his own awkwardness.

“Really?” Shuichi’s soft voice broke through that sudden coldness. “That’s awesome. Why don’t you take a quick sketch?”

Kokichi turned around to him immediately, not even trying to hide his surprise. He found Shuichi smiling at him warmly, and his eyes were glowing with admiration. _Admiration?..._

“Eh?”

“I mean, if it inspires you, you should make a memo, right? Before that girl leaves and you forget everything, you know.” Shuichi chuckled innocently and dropped his gaze, blushing. He looked so flustered all of a sudden, and Kokichi couldn’t figure out why.

Either way, he needed to act fast. He grabbed his phone, opened the sketching app, and quickly outlined the desired outfit. The girl was still standing on the same spot, probably waiting for her friends or something, and it was all playing out in Kokichi’s favor. Shuichi stood right beside him, watching with interest. He carefully put his head on the Supreme Leader’s shoulder, and his ice cream-flavored breath sent shivers down the shorter boy’s spine. Now he felt flustered, too. An eye for an eye.

Once the sketch was finished, Kokichi turned around to his boyfriend to study his expression. Shuichi was still smiling, and his pale face was shining brighter than today’s sun. “You’re so talented, Kokichi,” he muttered as soon as their eyes met. Ouma felt blood rushing to his cheeks faster than Formula 1 cars and, being absolutely helpless against his feelings, he dove into Shuichi’s chest and hid his face in cotton folds of his stupid emo t-shirt.

“Stop sucking up to me,” he groaned. “I won’t give you a discount for my game. You’ll still have to pay the full price!”

Shuichi’s lips, still sweet and cold from the ice cream, gently touched his forehead. “Of course. It’s important to stay unbiased. I’ll support the game fully, just like everyone else.”

Kokichi had to hold his breath. “You’re too kind to me, Shuichi. It’ll be your doom one day.” He just didn’t understand how this highly intelligent, extremely logical, timid yet straightforward person could act so lightheartedly with a monster like him. Did he really deserve all that love?...

Shuichi dismissed that remark with a soft chuckle, so Kokichi stayed put in his favorite hiding spot – his beloved’s chest, more comfortable than any pillow or a mask – and concentrated on the pleasant feeling of his beloved’s lips caressing him instead. The sunlight felt warm and tender on his back, covering him like a cozy blanket, along with the light summer wind and the smell of fresh grass and flowers. Everything was just as nice as if he were playing a good videogame. He could never imagine that the real life would become a safe place for him.

Then, all of a sudden, Shuichi’s voice disturbed the silence yet again. “By the way, you’ve never told me much about the characters in your game.”

He took Kokichi by surprise once more. The Supreme Leader broke away from their hug and stared at him, eyes wide and curious. Was Shuichi really interested in his game or was he saying that out of pity? Ouma didn’t want to get his hopes high.

“That’s correct!” he giggled. “Because it’s a big secret! To make Shumai intrigued!”

“But I’m already intrigued.” Shuichi shrugged, blushing again. “I mean, you don’t seem to talk about your game much, but seeing you so inspired at random times makes me think it actually means a lot to you.”

His deduction was perfect as always. The game did mean a lot to Kokichi. After all, he’d made prototypes of Shuichi and every D.I.C.E. member to include in it. He was aiming for a game that could help people get away from their awful lives, make them confused and entertained _(and to secretly boast about his wonderful boyfriend and amazing minions)_. That, of course, sounded nothing like an evil deed but Ouma figured he would still make people addicted to gaming and damage their eyesight, so it pretty much compensated the “good intentions” he had. Either way, he would talk about his game for hours if he could. But he couldn’t. Not even to Shuichi.

Just like it was with anything that meant a lot to him, he struggled to show his true emotions or express genuine opinions on things, even if those were harmless or insignificant. He always hated that meek part of himself. After they’d gotten together with Shuichi, he felt encouraged to fight it actively. However, up until now, it still hadn’t gone away completely and interfered here and there, making even the simplest things much harder for him.

That’s why Kokichi couldn’t find the fitting answer. Thoughts and ideas about the game were already filling his head like water in an overflowing sink, but all he did was open his mouth and stare blankly at his boyfriend. Shuichi chuckled with a little nervousness.

“Well, it’s fine if you want your game to be a surprise,” he mumbled, “however, just so you know, I’m always eager to listen to you talking about something you’re passionate about.”

“I thought you weren’t really interested in games,” Kokichi blurted out, to his own surprise. His small evil heart beat ten times faster, ready to jump out of him.

Shuichi tilted his head. “I’m not an expert, but it doesn’t mean I’m not interested. Especially if it’s something _you’re_ making.”

How could he always find a way to fluster Kokichi? How could he say such sweet and important things so casually, as if they were a complete norm? The Supreme Leader bit his lip, hissing at himself in his head for becoming too soft, and took his beloved’s hand.

“Well, come to think of it, I can make an exception for my dearest Shumai!” he tried to hide behind his usual mischievous cheerfulness, but Shuichi might’ve already noticed how red his face was or how hard his palms were sweating. The cold fingers lovingly pinched Kokichi’s cheek, earning an overdramatic groan.

“I’m all ears, Kokichi. Tell me everything that’s been stuck on your mind until you beat me with my criminal stories!” Now it sounded like a challenge, and Shuichi knew better than anyone how much Kokichi loved challenges. Encouraged and relieved, the purple-haired boy started talking about his game.

They spent nearly two hours walking around their neighborhood because Kokichi simply couldn’t stop himself. He was babbling about the characters, subtly avoiding any hints that could uncover the real prototypes behind them, about the plot, the unsolvable mysteries and crazy easter eggs, the hardships he had to carry on his own, and the expectations he set for himself. To his genuine surprise, Shuichi never seemed to be bored by that, listening to his stories with curiosity shining in his golden eyes. When he asked questions, Ouma pretended to be interviewed as a well-known game developer while answering them, and they both laughed, and it was unrealistically peaceful and the whole world felt more like a fictional universe where nothing could ever go wrong.

The sun was making its way back to the horizon, the wind started to get stronger, the streetlights turned on, but the boys kept walking around until the very moment Kokichi ran out of things to tell his boyfriend.

He felt like a balloon released into the sky. Like a bird let go from the cage. His head wasn't packed with too many thoughts anymore. It was a pleasant emptiness, a clear mind, and a loving touch accompanying them. Kokichi… felt _truly, unmistakably happy_. And what made him happy was not some videogame or a fictional character but Saihara Shuichi, a real existing person living in the cruel real world. Kokichi believed no one else could do what he did to him. It flattered his heart that Shuichi, not being a big fan of games, still listened to everything he said. Kokichi surely hadn’t been listened to in a while.

On their way back, they both never stopped smiling.

***

Yet another typical lonely morning on a typical lonely weekday. However…

_“Good morning love!_

_I hope you slept well. There’s something I want you to do today… Around 2 pm, someone’s gonna knock on your door. Please open it._

_I know it sounds ominous… Maybe you should be scared for once?_

_Take care,_

_Shuichi”_

“Huh?” Kokichi read the letter again, wondering if his sleepiness mixed up the words and fidgeting in bed. This one was completely different from all the other letters Shuichi had left. It sounded like a prank to set him on edge throughout the day, which was very unlike the Ultimate Detective everyone knew and loved. He usually tried his best to make Kokichi feel better when alone. What made him write such a weird letter this time?

Still, a sudden feeling of uncertainty and cluelessness made blood rush to Ouma’s busy head. He loved it when Shuichi acted unpredictable or was difficult to read into. It didn’t happen really often lately because they’ve gotten to know each other pretty well, so that little change surely made Kokichi curious about his boyfriend’s secret schemes for today. He glanced at the clock – half-past eleven. He had to wait for a few hours, all caught up in suspense like that! Burning from sudden excitement, the boy texted a short “good morning!” to Shuichi and began waiting.

His brain never let him rest, keeping him busy in both mind and body. He made the bed, cooked himself a simple breakfast (without setting their kitchen on fire, for a change), wandered around the apartment a few times, even cleaned up a bit while coming up with theories and predictions. Shuichi never responded to his text, and that made him even more nervous. Seriously, what was he planning to do? Did Kokichi need to mentally prepare himself for what awaited him in the end? _Ah, the chills!_

Finally, the clock struck at 2 pm. The silence in every room was so heavy that Kokichi felt dizzy, listening carefully to any faint sound he could hear. His heart was pounding extremely fast; he was excited like a little kid before a fun party yet a bit cautious like a security guard entering a dark room before turning the lights on. He was already growing impatient–

_The doorbell rang._

Kokichi rushed to the door, stopped to think whether he should’ve checked who it was before opening, then pushed the handle, and held his breath. On the other side of the door, there were…

Iruma, Keebo, Amami, and Akamatsu. Quite a big group to visit someone like Kokichi, especially since he never expected such visitors. What could it mean? Did Shuichi invite them? But for what? Was he planning to come back from work early to join them?

“Huh?” Kokichi squinted his eyes in suspicion, carefully examining the faces of unexpected guests. “What are you guys doing here?”

Before anyone could give him a sensible answer, Iruma snorted with irritation. “To watch you jerk off to Suckhara’s pictures while he’s away, duh!” she swung her arms aggressively and walked in. Her loud voice filled the empty living room with a sharp ringing. “What else do you think we could be doing at this crappy place?”

Kokichi caught the other visitors exchanging awkward looks with each other, so he decided to take control. He was always the one to put Iruma back in her place or, to be more precise, degrade her flawlessly before she completely ruined the mood.

“Ew, did you wash your shoes?” he turned around to watch Miu already making herself comfortable on the sofa. “As soon as you took them off, the whole room began to stink. Maybe _you’re_ the one who makes this place crappy.”

A big warm hand landed on his shoulder. “Ah, anyway,” Amami’s voice was calm as always, but Kokichi knew him long enough to spot the slightest signs of annoyance hiding in-between the words. “Saihara-kun asked us to visit you today.”

“Yeah!” Akamatsu caught up, taking off her shoes. “We all came here for a special occasion!”

Shuichi asked them to visit Kokichi? They all came for a special occasion? Ouma was so confused that he barely managed to hide it behind his usual unbothered smirk. “What, you finally remembered my birthday? About time you learned the exact date–”

“Ouma-kun!” Keebo approached him, a shy smile decorating his robotic face. “We came here to help you with your game.”

Kokichi froze, dumbfounded. He felt like the ground crumbled below him, and he fell through the floor right into the void. Even the loudest thoughts shut up in his head, leaving complete silence and emptiness that spread through his entire body with electric buzzing. They… _what?_

“That’s right!” Akamatsu chimed in. “Shuichi kept telling us you’ve been working on a videogame for quite a while, is that true?”

Kokichi heard his breath hitch. His body tensed up so much that he had to cross his hands on the back of his head, forcing himself to take a more relaxing pose. “No, that’s a lie. What about it?”

“Well, yesterday he asked whether we could make the process faster and easier for you, so we decided to help!”

_Stupid Shuichi!_ How dared he expose Kokichi’s secrets like that! Ouma barely hid his embarrassment behind messy purple locks fallen on his forehead. He didn’t need any help! It was _his_ project, and he was doing fine on his own! Those stupid minions would only make things worse, or spread information around too early, spoiling the plot and the solutions to unsolvable mysteries to the world, or start rumors, or–

He accidentally met eyes with Amami who nodded at him with encouragement. “We were really eager to help you with something so cool,” he explained. “Besides, we’re tired of waiting to see your game for the first time already.”

Kokichi backed away slowly, unsure of how to react. “Stupid Shumai didn’t understand!” he whined. “I don’t need any help from amateurs like you! In fact, I already have a good team working on the parts I’m not skilled at, so go home and don’t disturb me from work!”

“Isn’t that a lie?” Keebo mumbled in confusion, but no one answered him. Ouma didn’t even want to address that subject anymore. He noticed Iruma rolling her eyes, and it just made him more irritated.

_How could Shuichi do this to him? He was perfectly fine working on his own! He didn’t need to be exposed like that!..._

Everyone who came kept staring at him with confusion. For the next few minutes, an awkward silence filled the room, and the air suddenly got colder to breathe in. Kokichi didn’t know whether it was better to just ask them all to leave or bear with them for a little longer. He felt lost in his own mind.

It was all because, deep inside, he really wanted them to stay.

A sudden sigh broke the silence. It was Akamatsu. She approached Kokichi, looking him into the eyes with a warm smile – not the same as Shuichi’s, but still appealing. “Hey,” she said, voice quiet yet cheerful. “It must be hard to handle all this development alone. We can help you with anything you want, so we could enjoy playing your game together much sooner! We’re all your friends, remember?”

_Friends…_

Kokichi froze once again. A weird realization struck his mind like lightning, and it took him several seconds to process it. Friends. Hah! Were they really friends? Did he consider them friends? Amami was like a big brother to him. Keeboy was fun to make fun of. Iruma was perfect to mess with. Akamatsu was generally nice to everyone. Could he call them his friends, with their relationships being like this?

Well, _of course not!_ They were just his former classmates who he managed to get along with. They were simply people who got used to his weird antics, elaborate pranks, and mean remarks, so there was nothing special about their relationships with each other. The only true friends Kokichi ever had were D.I.C.E. members and Shuichi, no one else. Still, it was fun to see it that way. If those idiots believed they were close enough to be friends, he probably should’ve let them fantasize a little more. After all, Ouma needed some useful people to work on certain aspects of the game. Such a good chance – free labor! – that only a fool would dismiss.

“Alrighty!” he changed the expression to his most cheerful one and started jumping across the room, patting every single visitor on their heads. “Since you came here to work for me, let me come up with the rules, arrange your workdays, and give you tasks. Any rule violation or poorly executed task will be punished and fined! Do your absolute best or else!”

“Count me out of his circle of “friends”!” Iruma groaned, so Kokichi shoved her from the sofa, snickering. “Can’t believe we’re going to help this failed abortion!”

“Shut up you filthy cum dumpster!” Ouma laughed. The others sighed patiently, watching them fight, and only Keebo managed to break them apart, saying something about a friendly atmosphere having a great impact on the group productivity or whatever. Soon after, they gathered in the kitchen to start discussing the production of the game, the calming smell of tea flying across the room as they took sips from their cups. The atmosphere indeed got friendly, along with their conversation getting more and more productive over time.

Even without Shuichi around, Kokichi felt somewhat relaxed and supported once again. Maybe– it was just a hunch, but– maybe his stupid classmates weren’t that bad, after all. They had some good time, laughing at each other’s jokes, being patient with Miu’s dumb comments and Kokichi’s sarcastic responses. Surprisingly, all of them liked the idea of the game and got genuinely invested in the process; Keebo even claimed that he was _amazed_ by Kokichi’s plan, which made his evil heart flatter even though he never took robots’ words seriously.

It was a nice day spent with an oddly enjoyable company. Besides, after they all left, Kokichi felt a big burden fall off his shoulders. Now that they all became a game-development team, Kaede was working on the soundtrack, Rantaro was assisting with character design, whereas Miu and Keebo were helping Kokichi with the code and game mechanics. It was such a relief.

_Friends, huh…_ No matter how rarely they saw each other lately, no matter how different they all were, today Kokichi was almost fully convinced they still had his back. So were they really friends? The Supreme Leader shook his head while thinking about it. No, he wouldn’t call them friends yet, that was pretty naive and lame. However, he determined it would be nice to get together more often, just like they used to do at school.

In the evening Shuichi came home. Kokichi was about to fake a mental breakdown and cry how awful and vulnerable he felt, being exposed to some stupid classmates by his most-trusted person. However, as soon as Shuichi’s tall figure appeared at the door, he suddenly forgot everything he was preparing himself for and ran towards him with a happy smile and a big hug. His heart was too soft to pretend to be disappointed. His brain was preoccupied with game ideas too much to come up with pranks. All he wanted was to show Shuichi how helpful his little trick turned out to be.

And he did just so.

Shuichi chuckled and wrapped his arms around the shorter boy; he probably realized that everything went well. They hugged for a while, smiling at each other and never moving away from the door. Then, after a few minutes, Kokichi gathered his courage and whispered:

_“Thank you.”_

Shuichi smiled even wider, giving him a short kiss on the tip of his nose. “You’re welcome. I can’t wait to play your game! I’m so proud of you.”

***

After that, Shuichi wasn’t unfamiliar with videogames anymore. They started playing together during free time, visiting arcades again, and their house got filled with many different game CDs that perfectly decorated the shelves under the TV. Having common interests was never obligatory, but it felt so much better to be able to enjoy something together.

When Kokichi and his newfound team had finally finished the demo version of the game, Shuichi was the first one to willingly playtest it.

In other words… Kokichi had the best boyfriend in the entire world, and no one could refute that statement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anyway. the main idea is. share your interests with people you trust, it's kinda scary but it's worth it most of the time. yes I'm a dating coach with 30 years of experience and no I'm not writing fanfiction because I have no one to bear with my hyperfixations


	5. A fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shuichi and Kokichi had a huge fight, and both might've said a little too much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Subtle mentions of abuse!!

Kokichi let out a deep irritated sigh when he felt Shuichi’s body drop on the bed heavily behind his back. Were they seriously going to sleep in the same bed now?

For the record. They rarely fought, surprisingly. Kokichi loved starting verbal confrontations and instigating stressful discussions, while Shuichi, despite hating doing that, always wanted to reach the truth in an argument, reluctantly exclaiming _“No, that’s wrong!”_ and presenting more and more evidence to support the right claim. If they behaved like that all the time, the fights would probably never end.

However, after being together for a couple of years, Kokichi eventually learned to bite his tongue before blurting out something random, forcing himself to think of the consequences first; when he did blurt out random stuff just for the sake of an argument, Shuichi would smile lightly and use his sharp logic to immediately stop the discussion, saying something soothing and comforting instead. Of course, they would still be themselves in any other company – Ouma could _never_ miss a chance to pick at anything Iruma or Keebo said, for example, – but they got used to each other so much over time that they both lost interest in pointless arguments. Even the Supreme Leader of evil enjoyed peaceful discussions and innocent pranks more than trouble nowadays. Saihara was worth it.

Still, no relationship can go on without any trouble or disagreement, especially with such colorful personalities Kokichi and Shuichi had. Sometimes fights did happen after all, and when they did, it could take a toll on both sides. Ouma felt terribly lonely and terribly angry, and even though he used to deal with these awful feelings all the time in the past, now they seemed tough and traumatizing to think about, causing panic inside his head.

Yes, he was always confident during fights, and yes, he could never admit he was wrong, but with Shuichi, he felt horrible pain mixed with the fear of being abandoned. He kept wondering if he hurt his beloved too much, to the point that they wouldn’t continue their relationship anymore, and that he would lose someone precious to him again because of some stupid argument. Luckily, Shuichi was always quick to apologize, and after talking it out (though Kokichi was mostly pouting without saying a word since he _hated_ talking anything out) things would go back to normal. Maybe slightly better than they were, even.

This time was different.

Shuichi didn’t apologize after a few hours. Kokichi felt too hurt and upset to think about anyone but himself. They had been quiet the whole day, the echo of their raised voices filling the empty space between them. The Ultimate Detective buried himself in additional work to avoid any contact while the Ultimate Supreme Leader was planning to sneak out to old D.I.C.E. headquarters after Saihara would fall asleep – that is, to make his disappearance be sudden, mysterious, and dramatic.

Every room was heavy, every breath was too loud, every accidental look felt fatal. That day was the longest, but things got even worse when Kokichi went to bed to pretend like he’d fallen asleep, and Shuichi followed his example and lied down next to him, sighing quietly.

They were so close, yet Saihara didn’t try to apologize. That was extremely bad, probably.

Kokichi had already forgotten the roots of the problem that lead to all this. They started arguing after he said something questionable about Shuichi’s friends, and for some reason, it escalated into a big fight. The only thing he remembered was Shuichi comparing him to his idiot “best bro” Momota, saying that he was more considerate to others than Kokichi, and adding a cherry on top with:

_“You cross the line sometimes! It hurts me to see how inconsiderate you can be, it really does! You complain that you’re left alone too often, so maybe you need to change your attitude towards people if you really don’t want to be that way anymore!”_

The word “alone” left a deep cut on Kokichi’s heart. He hadn’t heard it in a while. He hadn’t thought about it either. Ever since he met Shuichi, he’d never felt alone anymore. Yet there it was, the scary word that hurt a little too much for some reason, said by the person who Ouma believed permanently saved him from it.

What did he mean, “change the attitude”? Didn’t he say that he liked Ouma for who he was all the time? Didn’t he accept a liar like him with all his annoying behaviors, past misdeeds, and negative traits? Kokichi just started believing it was true, but those words shattered his fragile hope into pieces again.

Even though he hated to admit it, he suddenly got scared. He felt his heart painfully tremble at an unexpected thought, _“what if I trusted him, and now he’s going to leave and betray me?”_ , and his eyes got wet on their own. He felt terrible emptiness in his stomach as if it did not just drop but also left a thin sharp layer of ice covering everything from under his skin, and it was painful to move around. He felt freezing in his always warm body. He felt foreign in the eyes of the person closest to him. It was a terrible feeling that broke him, and he couldn’t do anything about it but bite his tongue and isolate himself.

So… He couldn’t be in the wrong this time. He got hurt so deeply that he ached for an apology from Shuichi. He had been waiting for it all day, sticking fingers in his mouth and chewing them like old gum, sitting quietly in their bedroom and pretending to play games while actually staring at his depressed reflection on a turned-off Nintendo, wandering around the flat like a ghost, watching his boyfriend from afar.

  
But Shuichi didn’t apologize. Did he stop caring about Kokichi? Did he not love him anymore? Or… was he _that_ hurt, too? What were they supposed to do then?

Saihara’s cold body was trembling on the other side of the bed. He might’ve been waiting for something to happen, too. Well, Kokichi thought, he himself could potentially be the one to blame this time. _Hypothetically speaking._ After all, Shuichi cherished his friends a lot. Even that himbo Momota or that sketchy assassin Harukawa who trained with them every week were so important to him that he could get remarkably defensive of them in front of his own boyfriend.

Shuichi didn’t have many friends, and he used to be alone all the time until he got accepted into Hope’s Peak – Kokichi knew that, and he perfectly understood how it felt to be an outcast straight up from the very first day of school. Still, their stories were different.

While Shuichi was just a “weirdo-loner” living with his aloof Uncle, Kokichi was the punchbag of the class, hated for anything he did, from petty theft to looking in someone’s direction. And when he’d come back to the orphanage every evening, worn-out and depressed, there was no one to seek comfort from, no one to ask for advice, no one to call “family” or “a friend”. After a long time of fighting on his own, he finally found D.I.C.E. members, then managed to get into Hope’s Peak and meet the legendary 79th class that changed his whole life into something more… _normal_. He had to endure a lot, he had to build up hundreds of new personas, to fight off too many negative thoughts and feelings every day, to clench his teeth from all the pain he felt–

He bit his tongue, and his thoughts stopped moving, paralyzed. He promised himself not to remember all of that anymore. Some memories are better left untouched, especially such useless ones.

Kokichi sighed, bumping his cheek deep into a pillow. So, why was he the one to apologize anyway? While he might’ve said something extremely mean about Shuichi’s friends, was it truly a big deal? What were those friends to Shuichi? Were they more important, more significant than Kokichi, his long-term boyfriend?

_Or…_ Kokichi started biting his nails without noticing. Could it be that there was also a secret trigger word that he said out loud, and that was exactly why Saihara got so worked up all of a sudden? Could the real reason be hidden deeper than he thought, and Kokichi just didn’t realize it because Shuichi had never opened up about that part yet? Even after all the years they’d spent together…

Must be something as painful as _“alone”_ , then.

Ouma strained his body and quietly peeked across the shoulder. Shuichi was lying on his side, facing the opposite wall. He was still trembling, probably trying hard to hide it but to no avail. Kokichi bit his lip again, and his tongue tasted blood on the chapped skin.

Yes, they must’ve hurt each other terribly this time. Still, it was a great opportunity to open up more… even though Kokichi despised opening up about his past or anything in general. He always wanted to know more about his beloved but wasn’t ready to equally share facts and stories about himself. Well, in this case – he decided to call it an emergency – he probably had to fight off his own barriers for things to change.

In that case…

He felt a sudden lump in his throat, sucking in all the words he could make so they died before getting out. He felt pain in his chest like he always did when he was about to say something sincere, something about his true feelings or thoughts. He felt his head spin for a minute, and his blood ran cold, and he got dizzy, and his stomach hurt, and, and–

No. Kokichi clenched his fists and turned around. He must get rid of these stupid fears eventually. He must destroy these useless barriers. He must do it for Shuichi, the only person he loved, the one who saved him and made him feel free, who taught him how to trust and how to believe. Doing something he’d never done, something that made him vulnerable and open – even that didn’t feel as scary as it always was when Kokichi did it for Shuichi.

So…

“Hey Shumai.”

It was hard. Much harder than he thought it’d be. He had never apologized like that before. Nevertheless, it was too late to back down now, and there was no suitable mask to quickly hide behind.

“Listen. Can you– can you please turn around?” His voice cracked a few times, changing its tone like a broken record, and he felt so much panic building up inside of him as if he were a shy grade-schooler asking a rude teacher for help.

Shuichi didn’t act up or hesitate. He did as he was told, turning his pale tired face to Kokichi and giving him a surprised look mixed with echoing pain and anger. Then, still trembling, he opened his mouth to say something, but only a shivering sigh escaped his lips, eaten up by deadly silence the very next moment. Ouma cleared his throat nervously. He was supposed to lead the conversation, right? Shuichi always did that when he apologized.

“I think…” Kokichi’s tone unexpectedly dropped to a shaky whisper. “I think we both hurt each other a lot today.”

Shuichi blinked sadly in agreement. “Yeah.” He sounded just like Kokichi.

The most important part was still to be said out loud. The shorter boy took a deep breath, swallowing the lump in his throat through the awful chest pain he’d been feeling all this time, and managed to look his beloved right in the eyes. His body was aching to move on its own, to carry him far away from there, but he stubbornly kept his eyes locked right on Shuichi. He could barely do that on purpose when speaking honestly. He rarely even spoke honestly, to begin with.

Come on, it’s not that hard to say _words_. On the count of three. Kokichi clenched his fists harder as if enduring another wave of physical pain.

One…

Two…

Three.

“I’m… _I’m sorry_ , Shumai. I probably said something terrible and cruel. So– I’m sorry. It’s not a lie, I’m sorry. I really am. _I love you._ ”

He breathed out loudly.

The apology had all sorts of effects on him that he could never predict. He felt light – extremely light, like a feather or an empty paper bag, – and that obnoxious pain in his chest suddenly changed into a pleasant emptiness, the one he’d get after quenching the thirst with Panta or hugging Shuichi after a long day of not seeing him. He also felt a terrible wave of anxiety, freezing and sharp like a blade, but it quickly melted away in a sudden cozy warmth that filled his stomach. He felt his voice leaving him for a few moments, and he struggled to catch his breath again, and it was all chaotic and new and so strange that he couldn’t identify what impact all of those feelings had on him.

He even forgot to control the expression on his face, probably lying in front of Shuichi bare and naked, without any emergency masks he usually prepared for such unexpected situations. Overall, this moment felt extremely special and was probably one of the biggest checkpoints in his life.

So, what now?

Shuichi’s eyes widened, and his whole face looked more surprised than if he’d seen a ghost. It must’ve been unexpected for him as well. After all, Kokichi had never behaved this way before. For a few minutes that felt like hours, no one said a word, glaring at each other, swallowed by the intense and heavy silence. Kokichi thought his heart could tear out his chest any second. He’d never been so nervous.

Yet, for some reason, the pain started melting away, melting itself like hot chocolate and changing into a strong urge to cling onto Shuichi and not let him go until the very morning. It was nothing like the loneliness he’d experienced before. It was the loneliness that he could get rid of, and the cure from it was just within his reach. All he needed to do was make Shuichi forgive him, and they would go back to being happy with each other, right?

He had already forgiven Shuichi himself, despite being anxious and terrified. He realized that, in his wounded heart, there was more love than hatred now, and that love could surpass anything because of how strong it got.

Seems like even the evilest Supreme Leaders… need someone to love.

Shuichi’s shaking voice finally broke the silence. “Kokichi…” His cold hands grabbed Ouma by the shoulders and tugged him closer.

All air escaped his chest at once as he pressed their bodies together and hid his face in the crook of Saihara’s neck, breathing in his faint smell of coffee and enjoying the warmth surrounding them. Kokichi realized once again how much he missed his beloved. Feeling him close, touching him, hearing his heavy breath, and listening to his heartbeat – it was all miraculously addictive. It was always worth any effort, any sacrifice, any barrier being destroyed, or any mask being torn down.

He truly loved Shuichi. And Shuichi, with his nose buried in Kokichi’s messy hair and his lips touching his forehead, truly loved him back. That was all that mattered.

With this occupying his mind, killing off all the other thoughts, Kokichi suddenly felt incredibly free and open. It happened to him pretty rarely, so he didn’t want to miss a chance and opened his mouth again, lightly brushing his lips against Saihara’s neck.

“I’m sorry, I really am,” he started. “I can be pretty inconsiderate indeed. But I didn’t think straight, okay? You hurt me too, you know? And I hurt you back, and it went on and on–”

“I’m sorry too, Kichi.”

Voice deep from affection gently tickled his ear, forcing him to hug his beloved even tighter. “I know I hurt you too. I didn’t want to make you feel that way. It probably made you very upset.”

“Yeah, but I did the same,” Kokichi raised his head instinctively and met Shuichi’s eyes. His face looked relieved, decorated by an adorable guilty smile. “I don’t want to hurt you, I never do. So… can we discuss it together? Our triggers or something?”

There was a short pause, letting both of them catch their breath with relief. “While you’re at it, we probably should,” Shuichi chuckled, and Kokichi snickered with him. Familiar cold fingers touched his cheeks and started drawing small lines, connecting both sides to the corners of his thin lips. “Are you really okay with talking about yours, though?”

Ouma looked away for a second. Was he okay with that? His anxious mind was screaming that he never would be, but he knew it was worth a shot. Ultimately, he went through so much today, and this conversation was so valuable to both of them. He couldn’t miss that chance.

_Damn. Since when he started thinking so differently?..._

“I’m okay,” he nodded. “But you should go first.”

“Why?”

Because he was the first who got hurt, duh. Kokichi couldn’t help but grin defensively.

“I was the first to apologize. We should make things even.”

Shuichi smiled wider, too. “Makes sense. Alright, then.”

And thus, the discussion began. They started sharing thoughts and concerns, some painful memories, and old untreated wounds. They held each other’s hands when it got harder to talk and paid kisses to each other’s faces when one of them was on the verge of tears; when Kokichi told Shuichi about the word “alone”, biting his lips constantly, Shuichi said he was truly proud of him, and those words made it easier to think and speak clearly. Each time their eyes met, they looked so guilty yet so happy that it was impossible to back off anymore. Without saying “I’m sorry” a million times, they apologized in so many different ways that after a while it all stopped hurting completely.

Kokichi struggled a lot with his story, but with Shuichi’s encouraging and caring touches he was finally able to get a part of the old pain off his chest. Having told his boyfriend about what had been bugging him for years, he didn’t feel pressured or scared of oversharing. He didn’t feel like he made a terrible mistake, and his thoughts didn’t become a mess again. All he felt was a relief, and it was such a pleasant feeling that he got jealous of people who could easily open up to others.

Hearing more about Shuichi’s past also felt relieving. It was as if Kokichi had finally finished a big and difficult puzzle he spent years on. It was as if he’d completed the main game and got access to all bonus modes he was looking forward to. Their bond had definitely deepened even more, making everything that happened worth enduring.

At the end of the day, it was way better to talk about some issues without having to lie or pretend sometimes. Of course, Ouma couldn’t just magically get rid of his compulsive lies, which he had accepted as yet another part of his twisted personality, but he believed that with each step he and Shuichi took together, he got closer and closer to defeating his demons, as well as learning how to give love and affection properly.

And – _sigh_ – to be nicer to Shuichi’s friends, however dumb or annoying they could be. It was another sacrifice Kokichi was willing to make if it guaranteed happiness for both of them. He was evolving into such a great boyfriend! Saihara was probably the luckiest person in the world.

Some time had passed. The dialogue slowly burned out like a scented candle, leaving a pleasant aftertaste hanging in the air. Tired from such a stressful day, the boys got quiet and silently decided to wrap things up completely. It was already late for another conversation; there was no need for anything else either. Shuichi carefully locked their fingers together, lightly playing with them while falling asleep, and Kokichi placed his head on Shuichi’s chest, listening to his heartbeat as always.

_Thump… thump… thump…_ It was slow and calm, adding up to the peaceful atmosphere they’d created.

…Ah, too bad Kokichi hated when things were too peaceful. He definitely reached his limit of being nice for today. A wide grin stretched his lips and, without moving a bit, he breathed out:

“I love you, Shumai.”

_Thump thump thump thump thump!_ It immediately got faster, how funny and adorable! Kokichi snickered while hearing Shuichi getting flustered, probably going bright red in his cheeks. It was reassuring to know that those simple words, said by the Ultimate Supreme Leader, held so much power over his feelings and emotions. Kokichi could do wonders, like manipulating him into being happier, pranking him into smiling more, or even–

“I-I love you too, Kichi,” the detective responded quietly. “And… thank you for being honest today. I’m so, so proud of you, and I feel truly honored because you’re going through so much trouble to open up to me. You’re just… amazing. I love you so much.”

_Thump!_ What a great rebuttal. Kokichi didn’t just feel his heartbeat racing, he lost the ability to breathe, and all the words got stuck in his throat from him getting so overwhelmed. His cheeks burned, so he hid his face in his boyfriend’s chest like he always did, earning a quiet laugh from above.

“Aw man, did you see through my schemes again?” he whined. Shuichi started playing with his hair, still chuckling.

“I saw your grin,” he admitted. “After all, a detective can never miss a single expression on one’s face.”

“Such a pain to have a detective boyfriend!” Kokichi rolled his eyes and raised his head again. The embarrassment slowly left, changed into lightheartedness of their silly little argument.

“That was a lie, right?”

“Who knows?”

They laughed again. Kokichi kept staring subtly at Shuichi’s smiling face, glowing in the dark like a night light, until he was caught once more. The Ultimate Detective cupped his cheek in his hand, looking pleased.

“But everything I’ve just said was true,” he whispered, locking eyes with him. “You really are amazing, Kokichi. I’m sorry I made you doubt all of this. I promise I won’t be so harsh anymore.”

There was a perfect opportunity for another lie, but Ouma decided to end the day with something more sincere. After all, this night was too special to waste on some boring casual stuff.

“You don’t need to apologize anymore, Shumai. We’re both learning, right?”

He saw Shuichi’s eyes shine proudly, and he could swear he’d never felt so encouraged before. His lips moved on their own, forming a smile – not a grin or a smirk, but a pure, happy smile, filled with all the love he received, and all the love he was about to give back. It was the most pleasant thing to do, after all.

“One day we’ll become the greatest couple in the universe, okay? We’ll be the very best in everything we do together, and the happiest people among all 7 billion others!”

Shuichi gave him a slow kiss, melting the world around them until it all became insignificant.

“Right,” he breathed once they parted lips. “With you, it doesn’t sound like just a dream anymore.”

And that, Kokichi knew for sure, was not a lie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for bearing with my writing and reading this until the end!! I welcome any comments, suggestions, corrections, and opinions! 
> 
> stay happy and safe in these trying times! :)


End file.
